Starting over is hard – people say that all the time but unless you go through it yourself, you don’t really know how hard it is. Maybe some people are more suited for change than others and I am not one of them.
I moved to Saskatoon a few months ago – weather change, total strangers, unemployment. All that came in one heavy swoop. It was stressful, to say the least especially the last one. I am not good at being unemployed. I love work. I like being a web designer/developer and all the challenges that comes with it. Some would say I’m a workaholic but I think it just comes to actually enjoying what you do and I can’t see myself doing anything e lse.
Here is where my stubbornness kicks in.
Some people around me keep saying – oh you just have to go take any job because you’re starting over – which is not a bad suggestion. There are tons of different jobs here in Saskatoon and I think any decent work is a good thing and time well spent on. I did construction once and I thought it was a good experience. (So, don’t mess with me, I know power tools.)
I am all for making things work. I also have responsibilities and obligations to fulfill and that adds to the pressure of getting employed (no matter what). But even if you know you can do the work sometimes, having a job is not enough. For me who values and enjoy work, it’s a challenge to change careers. It’s hard (and scary) to just change everything, to stop what you love doing and be something else – out of necessity. It feels like giving up on who you are or selling out because of money. It feels like the woes of a starving artist.
I’m also thinking that it might be just be part pride, might be part ego. That it’ll be easier for me to accept that things are not the same anymore. Acceptance is key. Be flexible, says the fortune cookie I got from a local Chinese restaurant. Bitter pieces aside, change is good; maybe.
I’ve been trying to finish the book Linchpin by Seth Godin. It’s a really good book, inspirational yet sometimes I feel like I am being scolded by my elders about what I am doing, about my stubbornness, and the decisions I have been making. I think it’s a good thing because it makes me dig deeper on what I can do, what I can change.
I once rode a bus and the driver was an elderly man who had this awesome radio dj voice. He would call out what stops are coming and when he spoke to people he was very cheerful. I told him he has an awesome voice and he smiled and thanked me. He was a Linchpin. He didn’t need to announce the stops but I think enjoyed it. I think he knew his nice voice makes people smile and that a lot appreciates that he does what he does. He was brave. It was his gift to his passengers like an artist freely showing this passion to the world.
And I know I that’s what I wanted; be an artist in whatever I am doing.
What would Steve Jobs say?
Sometimes when I think of the things I’m doing or have to do and decide on, I am reminded of what Steve Jobs said on this commencement speech –
Like another shot to the heart making me feel I am doing things wrong. Don’t settle. Stay hungry, stay foolish. Insert every reality distortion field related Steve Jobs quotes here.
As much as I wish to bend my reality to my will, I don’t have Steve Jobs powers. I try my best – which their lies the problem of trying versus doing. Perhaps I am doing it all wrong. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough. Perhaps I should be doing something else rather than pushing for the things that I think I want. Perhaps I want something else. The doubt falls in fast when things don’t work out your way. I absolutely hate it. Why can’t I have Steve Jobs powers?
For now I will exhaust all my options for employment, if Saskatoon does not have a place for me in its IT industry, perhaps it’s on something else. To try something else, learn something else just for now. I’ll bend my reality when I am stronger. Starting over means you just have fight your way up again.
Not over yet
I had another work interview yesterday with a really good web company. So far I’ve been invited by established companies which I am taking as a good sign. There’s a big but after this sentence but I am not going to write it down anymore. I want to ignore and still believe it’s not over yet. Breathe.